We often talk about the mid-week hump – Wednesday. We’ve come to the middle of 2020 and even though I’ve settled happily into life mostly at home, baking and cooking for my loved ones, I cannot help but feel unfulfilled. They say to count our blessings, and I have so many blessings to be thankful for – a great husband, wonderful parents, loving friends… I have the luxury of not worrying about finances and baking to sell every so often for some extra pocket money. Florian and I just became newly minted home-owners on Jun 3! Life is good, and I know that if life continues as it is for the rest of our lives, it will not be a bad one. And yet, there is an emptiness that remains within me.
2020 has been quite trying so far, but not without its highlights as well. Florian got his promotion, and he has moved into a new team with a new jobscope that he is excited about. We will be moving shortly into our new home and we’re excited to do it up as we please. We plan on adopted a little dog from the shelter once we’re settled in too.
I’ve also undergone two surgeries since beginning of this year. They were considered essential, which I am grateful for, so there was no need to wait until all the CB measures were loosened to be given the go-ahead. I trust my doctor and believe he did his best in managing my issues that stemmed from what happened last year. It has been isolating to say the least. Sure, I have lots of people around me, praying for me, thinking of me, and wishing me well. However, it has been lonely ever since our losses last year, and then to develop further trauma physically and emotionally, and then to have something I used to take for grated, be taken away to a large extent. Our future, the hopes and dreams we were so close to having in our hands, have been taken away. And we are trying to make what we can of what we have left; trying to rebuild our hopes; trying to stay focused on our dreams.
It often feels like whenever we have what we hope for in sight, it is taken away. We have to clamber on and each time it appears again within armslength, it is once again swiped out of reach. It is tiring. Heartbreaking.
Yes, everyone has they own burdens and heartaches to overcome. No one’s life is free of sadness or challenges. Not everything in life is within our control. There are many things in life, I believe we don’t need. I believe that though, that there is one thing, that will enrich our lives and develop us into greater human beings that we never thought possible – to give, to love, to sacrifice unconditionally. It breaks me to think that it won’t be now, it may not be soon, before we get that chance. Perhaps later. Perhaps not. It is all up to God.
I cannot pretend that it does not hurt. I cannot pretend that as much as I smile and say “I’m happy for you’, my heart bleeds. I cannot pretend that I don’t wonder about the ‘what could/should have beens’. It doesn’t mean I do not accept all that has happened, it just means that my heart is still laden with grief. I have friends whom I love, and I will apologise now, that it will be a while before I can face you again. I am genuinely happy for your joys, but I cannot strengthen my heart to stand before you and smile when inside, I will be crumbling.