About a quarter of 2017 has passed and while I try to keep my blogposts light and upbeat most of the time, I also think it’s important to share some of the things I have been going through in terms of ED and recovery.
The truth is, in recent weeks, my default feeling towards myself is fat. I know how untrue it is but it’s tough knowing that a couple months back I was bone thin and that, in a warped way, gave me some sense of reassurance. From what? I don’t know.
It’s obvious that I have gained some weight but the struggle now to keep moving forward is getting increasingly difficult. More than anything, it is mentally draining to push myself, and to not push myself. The former because ED snidely tells me after how ‘bad’ consuming this or that was for me and how much weight I’m going to gain from the extra mouthfuls of food; and the latter because I end up going back and forth with ED over what’s safe to eat, how much to eat, when to eat…
I can see that stress makes me run quickly towards ED. And with the changes that PB is undergoing now in running the canteen at the autistic school, thus resulting in my having to adapt to a new kitchen in another area of Singapore, as well as keep up with the quantities of muffins they need every day for the students and teachers, it has been quite disconcerting to me. ED as my form of control has been somewhat removed and as much as I initially felt like running away from the whole situation, I recognise that that just isn’t how I should deal with my fears.
I was initially baking the muffins from home while the kitchen stuff was being settled and as much as I would have happily continued this arrangement, it just wasn’t feasible running around all the time getting ingredients and having to get the muffins delivered to the school before 8.30am every morning.
So as agreed, I threw Timidity away and went in for the first time last Tuesday to bake in the new kitchen. Sure, it was different. And OMG the air-con was beyond freezing. And I had to make do with the ‘wrong’ muffin trays. But 3 hours later, I had all the muffins ready and yes, I survived. I know that the next time I go in, I’ll be more familiar with the kitchen and eventually, it’ll just be what it is and I’ll be laughing back in wonder at how I could have been so anxious about the change in the first place.
In terms of bingeing, I haven’t been indulging in that behaviour although sometimes, I hanker after an extra slice of toast with Peanut Butter and drizzled with Honey. When I do give in to that craving, I feel a huge sense of guilt hanging over me that is difficult to shake off. It feels like the harder I fight, the harder ED clings on.
Flo has been a wonderful assurance to me and never fails to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am every so often. Every weekend, we try to challenge me by having him think of where to go for dinner and not let me know. I wanted him to keep it secret because I didn’t want to allow myself to fret and look for menus online in a bid to see if there are any ‘safe’ foods for me there. Flo has been fair towards me and while it is scary to some extent, it is also quite exciting looking forward to new places to dine at.
In other news, I finally met up with this friend I met online, Sol. We’ve known each other quite a few years now and kept trying to meet up since the end of last year. I put it off each time because, well, because I couldn’t bear to bring myself out of the house to meet a new face and to possibly eat something ‘bad’. Shameful I know. And I will admit that I was anxious about meeting Sol for dinner at Ô Comptoir even though I’ve been there multiple times now.
I did meet her. We did have dinner. And Time flew right past that before we knew it, it was time to run back home lest Flo began to worry. He almost did with a text checking to see if I was still alive. Lol. I’m glad that Sol and I finally made dinner happen and that we got on so well with each other even in real life. It’s yet another reminder of the social aspects ED tries to deny me of, and that allowing LIFE to happen can bring forth more life – this time in the form of a new friendship!