For someone as stubborn as I am, it is often not easy to ask for help, especially not from people whom I am not close to. I knew however, that recovery would be an uphill climb and that eventually, I would need some psychological support to help pull me through the end of the tunnel.

So about a week ago, I asked a friend of mine who is working in a clinic specialising heavily in EDs, for recommendations of a good psychologist who may be able to guide me along. The psychiatrist Dr. L who diagnosed me 10 years back actually runs this place so at least I had the peace of mind that my friend’s colleague would be professional and knowledgeable about EDs.

This afternoon, I had my first appointment with Dr. A. I’ve had my fair share of psychologists and counsellors before, but I guess the desire to recover was always half-hearted. This time, I went to see Dr. A with a willing heart and even though it was only our first session, it concluded with me feeling in safe hands and eager to begin working out the tangles that may be hindering me from being truly free of ED.

Of course, it’s still early days but I am hopeful. I don’t expect to be 100% psychologically before I work on my physical health. I am long past the idea that I can work on my mindset and attitude before I can focus on gaining weight. I realise now that both work in tandem and both help support each other in order to attain a holistic recovery.

As a sidenote, I often draft my blogs before publishing them so by the time you read this, it’d have been a few days since my appointment with Dr. A. She gave me some ‘homework’ to do for the next session so hopefully, I’d have done it by then!

In other news, for most of you who read or follow my blog, you might know by now that my parents have been extremely staunch pillars of support for me ever since I developed ED, and way before ED obviously. They are constantly providing me with encouragement, love and comfort. I don’t think I can ever do enough back for them but last Sunday, after church, Mum and Dad came over and I had to pleasure of cooking dinner for them. It’s not much but at the very least, it’s something.

Whenever I cook something different, something special perhaps or try out a new recipe, I send a picture of the finished product to Mum. And usually I’d tell her what I might improve on next time and whether Flo enjoyed it. One of the dishes I showed her was my Kimchi Cauliflower Fried Rice. She mentioned that it’d be an awesome dish for Dad since he needs to cut down a bit so that was what I made for the four of us.

I threw in some baby kale and spinach as well since I still had some on hand, and pretty much followed the recipe that I used in my first attempt. Mum and Dad were very happy with it and said that they would try to replicate it one day too. Dad’s only question was “Where is the meat?” Being a meat man, he missed having his meat! Next time Dad, next time.

This last week, I’ve been a Muffin-making Machine churning out batch after batch of Vanilla, Chocolate, Banana, Carrot Muffins for PB Junior.

The cafe that I was baking weekly for has closed one of their two outlets and while its original one continues to run, they are expanding their reach into a school for Autistic children.

Essentially, they are running the canteen at the school and they have a little pastry booth selling muffins to the kids. Kids being kids, they went crazy over the Chocolate ones so I’ve been topping up on those nearly every day. Perhaps as the weeks go by the novelty of the muffins will die down and sales numbers will stabilise. At the same time, I’m still baking for the cafe so I’ve been a busy bee. Which is why…

This morning in order to unwind, I decided to bake up a batch of comforting, ooey, gooey, fudgy brownies. Yes – I bake for work but I also bake to destress. The irony!

Since I had some bananas at hand, Double Banana Peanut Butter Brownies it was! By double banana, I mean bananas in the brownie batter, aaaaand a layer of sliced bananas in the middle as well. I also dolloped some teaspoonfuls of creamy peanut butter with the fresh bananas, and added more extra crunchy peanut butter on top of the brownies for some texture. The swirls as you can see, didn’t really turn out quite so pretty but hey, it’s all in the eating!

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Honestly, you can never go wrong with peanut butter, bananas and chocolate! Eating these was like mouthfuls of heaven. They were rich, chocolatey, and indulgent. Exactly the way brownies ought to be.

Super-Fudgy Double Banana Peanut Butter Brownies (1 x 8×8″ tray)

125g butter
140g dark chocolate
200g condensed milk
110g sugar
3 eggs
90g flour
35g cocoa powder
2 bananas – one mashed and one cut into slices
50g (at least!) peanut butter – smooth, crunchy or both

  1. Preheat oven to 175deg C.
  2. Melt butter in a saucepan. Then add chocolate and stir in to melt. Set aside
  3. In a mixing bowl, whisk condensed milk, sugar, mashed banana and eggs together until light and fluffy.
  4. Lower the speed of your mixer and slowly pour in chocolate-butter mixture.
  5. Fold in flour and cocoa powder until just incorporated.
  6. Pour half the batter into a lined 8×8″ tin. Place sliced bananas on top to cover and dollop teaspoonfuls of smooth peanut butter in the uncovered areas. Be generous!
  7. Pour the rest of the brownie batter on top to cover. Spread as evenly as possible.
  8. Dollop more teaspoonfuls of peanut butter on top – I used crunchy this time and attempted to make swirls.
  9. Bake for 24min until just set.
  10. Cool, cut and devour!!

These brownies are a sure pick-me-up whatever day of the week it is. Trust me, these are so worth the effort! You might even want to double the recipe because they’ll disappear before you know it. How? I have no idea but they will.

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6 replies on “An Extra Hand.

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