Squash ’em.

As expected, fighting ED has been getting more difficult and food cravings have tapered off… so far. This means that I’m probably not pushing myself as much or as hard as I ought to. While it’s nice not to feel that urge to ‘binge’ or satisfy that insatiable hunger for all things carby and sweet, it serves to make me think that I am at a good point health-wise and weight-wise and that I have done enough. Apparently, the scales tell Flo otherwise.

Although I have not clue right now how much I weigh or how much I gained from last week, it is clear to me that my clothes are getting a little more snug and my arms and legs are definitely less bony than they were not very long ago at all. My tummy area has filled more and doesn’t have as much ‘saggy’ skin as before. All these tangible forms of security and reassurances are beginning to fade away and it is disconcerting for sure.

In the last few days, I’ve found myself once again hesitating at what to eat and how much to eat. I’ve found myself once again starting to fear certain foods. I’ve found myself once again running back to making food choices, or the absence of choices, that I feel comfortable and safe with. Just a little.

As Flo and my parents have been reminding me, these thoughts are from ED and are baseless. I want recovery. I want good health. I want life. And ED is continuing to try to hold me back from all the things in life that I desire and deserve. I need to squash those words that drip of lies and deceit, and hold on to the light and the truth. I need to squash ED dead and render it into dust.

Speaking of squash, I did promise to share my Squash Bread recipe the other time, or Pumpkin bread as we call it here. I found a nice recipe from Baking History and adapted it slightly. Rather than use pureed pumpkin, I decided to grate the piece of pumpkin I had and mix it into the dough. I also reduced the amount of sugar. This recipe’s really straight forward and yielded a nice big loaf with a lovely crust and a moist crumb. I cut half for Mum and Dad, and saved the other half for Flo and myself.

Pumpkin Bread (Yields 1 big loaf)

250g Pumpkin/Kabocha, grated
15g Sugar
366g Milk
15g Butter
2g Instant Yeast mixed into 15ml of warm water
6g Salt
500g Bread Flour, approx

  1. In a large bowl, place grated pumpkin, sugar, butter and salt together.
  2. Scald milk and add to pumpkin mixture. Stir in and set aside to cool.
  3. Add in yeast mixture.
  4. Add flour and knead well – the dough should be supple, slack and a little tacky.
  5. Prove about an hour or until dough doubles in size.
  6. Shape and place on a lined baking tray sprinkled lightly with flour or cornmeal.
  7. Allow to prove a second time (another 30-40min).
  8. Bake at 230 deg C for a total of 40-45min – Steam for the first 10min by placing a small bowl of water in the oven. Lower the temperature to 218 deg C after the first 15min. The bread is ready when browned and makes a hollow sound when tapped at its base.*If bread starts to brown a little too much, cover with foil until it is bake through.

This bread was eaten fresh with my Red Shakshuka that same evening.

It was also lovely toasted to eat with my Green Shakshuka and for my open sandwiches at lunch.

The pumpkin makes the bread moist and subtly sweet so it’s great eaten on its own, or as a palette for toppings since its flavour isn’t overwhelming. This was such an enjoyable bake for someone who’s not always keen or patient enough to make bread from scratch and I think I’ll be making more bread at home from now on if time permits. All the more so with a boyfriend from Germany – a country where bread rules!!

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