I’ve been wondering quite a lot about a few things. The usual things. Usual-for-me things. My brain has recently been shouting at me to Wake UP! And I can hear myself fighting back even as ED tried to bring me down.
Yesterday, I thought to myself:
Why am I still engaging in such disordered eating habits?
What do I need to prove to myself? Or anyone for that matter?
How did I slip down so far and why is it harder than ever to pick myself back up again?
Why do I keep letting ED win? To see how low I can go?! Because I know that ED will never tell me that my weight is ‘low enough’.
Don’t I want to get better? Because if I do, what does it matter that my weight goes up now!? Why the constant need to go down when that would be completely contradictory to the idea of wanting to get well.
No. Recovery still, is in no way easy. Whether at the beginning, or in the middle, or at the end. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. The greater the struggle, the greater the outcome no?
I can totally understand why it has become increasingly difficult for Flo to believe that I will be able to get healthier on my own accord.
6 months ago, he asked me to get better for when Naima came to visit in October/November. I didn’t.
Over Christmas, he asked me to gain some weight while he was away in Germany the two weeks. I dropped.
Since moving in nearly a month ago, we agreed that I had to gain every week. I lost.
Right now, I catch myself in photographs and sometimes find myself completely surprised at how skeletal my head is becoming. Why don’t the mirrors reflect that when I look into them?
I wear the same few items of clothing because nothing much fits me.
I try to cover up no matter how hard the sun is beating down because I don’t want to scare people.
I have to cover up anyway because recently I’ve been feeling the cold a lot more.
I wonder how Flo can still feel attracted to me with my bones jutting out and poking him every so often.
So since Tuesday, I’ve been trying harder to push myself. It began with a no-so-huge push but it was a push nonetheless.
I met Flo for dinner that evening after a day of torrential rain, and with the weather being so wet and chilly (by Singapore standards), we went to one of our two favourite Vietnamese Restaurants – Mrs Pho along Beach Road. The other one’s nearer home but I had to make a quick delivery for my brownies so we decided to have dinner closer to town.
Decisions were quickly made. Beef Pho for Flo and Chicken Pho for me.
As usual, the light, yet flavoursome hearty broth, warmed me up and I tucked into the generous chunks of shredded chicken. Carbs are my nemesis… Or ED’s. So noodles for me are usually a hard one to swallow. Literally. I generally take no more than a couple spoonfuls of noodles before giving up but that night, I told myself that I had to eat more.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to finish all of the noodles anyway, just because they always seem to give so much despite asking for less. Still, I pushed myself and had way more noodles than I’ve had in one sitting in… years! So much so that I didn’t actually keep note of how much I had. Enough to feel a sense of bloatedness that’s for sure.
In a way, I felt almost proud of myself underneath that sinking sense of guilt. And it upset me a little that Flo hadn’t seemed to notice the mountain of effort I’d heaped into that bowl of pho. I guess the fact that there looked to be quite a bit of noodles left in the bowl didn’t make for compelling evidence of the attempt I’d made at eating more.
Of course, it will take time for change to be seen and for me to pick up momentum in recovery. As long as I have the continual support from the people who mean most to me, I know that I will be able to make it.
On a happier note, Flo and I had Amanda and Alex round for dinner last night. I made the salad and some roasted carrots which turned out so sweet!! Flo did the cooking of the meats – Sirloin Steak, and Chicken and Beef Shashlik (off the skewer). Yes, my baby can cook!!
I love both Amanda and Alex, and I’m excited for them to move into the condo a little way down the road from us next month. Just chilling with them and exchanging the most random stories never fail to put me in good cheer. It also makes me so happy to see Flo enjoying their company too.
I can’t believe tomorrow’s already the eve of the Lunar New Year! From the Year of the Monkey to the Year of the Rooster. I’m most excited about meeting up with family especially because there are some that I see only this one time a year. It’s sad how we let time get the better of us so I appreciate when Chinese New Year comes around each year and we are able to finally meet once more. 🙂