This is Me.

I’m sitting here waiting for the rain to stop wondering if I want to pick up a couple things from the supermarket today, or wait for tomorrow. If I go today, I get it out of the way and I can concentrate on doing prep work for one of my cake orders. If I do it tomorrow, I’ll still be able to do my prep work just that it’ll be another thing more on my to-do list.

Funny how these days, I prefer to get everything done as soon as I can rather than procrastinate. I look back on when I was younger and remember how Mum used to have to nag at me to do anything at all – homework, cleaning my room, tidying up my baking space… I used to wonder how mothers could be so on the ball with everything. And of course, I still wonder and marvel everything that’s on their plate. Sometimes thinking about the future and the possibility of being a mother scares me. I feel so ill-equipped in having to care for a baby round the clock. I’m getting a little ahead of myself now.

Today, I could see the extent of my parents’ love for me. I mean it goes without saying that I’ve always known just how much Mum and Dad love me and look out for me. This morning, they came over because they wanted to pick up the cake orders for one of the cafes for Dad to deliver on my behalf. In doing so, Dad gave me a lift to PB (where I bake once a week) and Mum decided to assist me since she had nothing planned for today.

After my baking was done, Dad picked Mum up and I made my own way home only to receive a text a bit later that Dad had actually bought lunch for himself and Mum, and had planned to drive me home and lunch together with me. It warmed my heart so much knowing how far my parents are willing to go for me even though, as I had replied Mum, I didn’t want them to go through the trouble of travelling up and down just for me since it would be tiring for them and we don’t live quite so near to each other.

In the last couple of days, I have also seen the kind of love Flo has for me. It is more than I could ever have asked or hoped for in a man. And just as Mum and Dad see past my ED and love me for the person that I am, so does Flo. I know this and am quite certain of it because in this current state, I am not the nicest person to hug, or cuddle up to, neither do I look the healthiest or the prettiest. Still, Flo snuggles with me even though every once a in while, he yelps when a bone pokes into him. Every day, he looks at me and tells me that I’m the prettiest girl of all.

So yes, I may have the label of ‘Anorexia’ slapped onto me, but I am not ‘Anorexic’. I am not defined by a medical term that doctors may use to apply to me, or random passers-by may throw at me. Rather, I am a daughter, greatly loved; a girlfriend, greatly blessed; a friend, greatly cared for. I have a heart that is compassionate, and I have a passion for baking because as I always say, wherever there is cake, there are always happy smiles. I can be witty, I can be cheeky, and I can be serious when I need to be. I don’t have the best of tempers, and I can be extremely stubborn. When I give, I give with a sincere heart, and when I love, I love fiercely.

I know that anorexia has rubbed away some of the potency of my emotions, and along with that train of thought, I also know that I have so much more to give as a daughter, a partner, a friend. So yes, while I have a disorder, it isn’t who I am. I am Natalie.

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