As I sit here mulling over this morning when Flo weighed me and told me with a look of disappointment that my weight had not shifted at all since last week, making it 2 weeks of stagnation and zero progress in weight gain, it just blows my mind how fear can feel so much bigger than what is it.
It’s odd thinking now, and really reflecting on ED – how it really is mind over matter, and that in the grand scheme of things, all it is made up of are thoughts and fears. They feel real, they feel like vicious bullies, but the reality of it is that they are clearly from the mind, created by me. The articles I read of battles and victories over ED give me hope, but the action is mine to undertake. Every evening I go to bed hopeful that I will be stronger tomorrow. Every morning I wake up wanting to stick to the familiar.
Yesterday, as Flo snuggled up to me, he shared that one of his best friends is having a baby. Another best friend of his. I know how much Flo wants children, and I want them too. This article I just read really speaks out to me right now. I too developed anorexia later than most – at 20. I also am now at a point where I want to recover because I have a man whom I love dearly and whom I want to have children with.
I am aware that weight recovery will mean that fertility will return as long as I can get my period back without being induced by pills. I am also aware that my future self will one day thank me for getting off my butt and really fighting for my future. After all, this is the time, NOW is the time where I make it or break it.
In 5 years time, I can look back with regret at how I didn’t do enough, or I can look back proud that I pushed myself even though every day was a challenge. I can see just how much love Flo pours out to me every day, and how much he tries to stay upbeat about my situation even though I also know how much it breaks his heart each week when my weight doesn’t move up. It makes me feel guilty that I am not doing more and not giving it my all. It is selfish of me seeing that I am no longer just looking at my future, but Flo’s future as well.
When I step back and look at the bigger picture, I wonder why and how I am allowing weight to control me. Why does keeping it down make me feel more in control, more validated, more accepted? It is almost as though I have allowed myself to feel as though I deserve a smaller space on this earth compared to everyone else. Yet, who is this world has that right to tell me that I am not good enough, strong enough, acceptable enough? Only I.
So I guess I have allowed myself to be a victim of my own self-destruction. Some days I go to bed wondering if I will wake up, other days I wonder if I will pass out while swimming and slip away. Most days though, I feel too alive to think that I am ‘sick enough‘ to be considered sick, and that it will be a long time more because anything ever happens to me.
What is weight? It is merely a number. A number that has come to hold too much value and power over me. In a way, to acknowledge this as a fact is making me feel rather shameful at allowing something so small and insignificant rule over me. It is not greater than I am. It is not God.
Have faith. Jesus heals. I still believe.
In other news, I had a relaxing weekend this week. Last Friday, Flo and I went to have Vietnamese at our favourite Vietnamese place. Food was good as usual even though the gravy in the Sweet and Sour Squid dish made me feel a bit uneasy. It was too tasty to be ‘healthy’ but also too delicious to resist. Flo also wanted his Rare Beef with Lemon Juice which delivered in flavour and tenderness as it did the last time.
Our Summer Rolls weren’t mind blowing, but they were a nice start to our meal before we went on to watch Rogue One. I wasn’t too impressed and nodded off more than a few times in the cinema. I had expected it to be part of Star Wars, and found out only after the movie ended that it was merely a side story which explains why I totally couldn’t figure out who the goodies and who the baddies were. I think I’ll stick to the main Star Wars films from now on.
Saturday we went back to visit Mum and Dad. Flo whipped up some Weisswurst aka White Sausages all the way from Hamburg. Unlike the usual sausages, these were warmed up in just boiled water and before consumption, had to have their skins removed. Flo introduced Sweet Mustard to Mum and Dad to go along with the sausages and they loved it. All the more so after Dad realised that the combination of the mustard with Sauerkraut was instant addiction – and the sauerkraut was more because Dad insists that no German meal is complete without it. All these were eaten alongside some Pretzels, but according to Flo, they lacked the fresh crispness that is usual of the ones found in Germany. Ah well, we have to make do while in Singapore!
I’ll admit that after eating out with Flo two consecutive days, I wanted my comfort food and while I tried some of the sausages, I still chose to have my ‘safe’ meal in part as a treat to myself but admittedly, also out of fear.
Anyway, I had quite a productive Monday today baking loaves of banana breads for one of the cafes I bake for, doing a load of washing and ironing as well as vacuuming and mopping the floor. I realise I quite like cleaning floors but ironing is still very much a pain in the butt! Keeping our home clean has also made me more particular about a lot of things – I pick random bits of dirt off the floor all the time even if it’s only a speck, I have to wipe down my kitchen sink and its surrounding area every time after I’m done with it, and I find myself arranging things around to try and make the place look neater. I can totally understand now why Mum used to do and say the things she did.
When Mum used to tell me “One day you’ll understand“, I can tell her now that I am beginning to understand. The rest of my understanding will probably come when I have kids, and they do the things that I used to do that annoyed or upset her. Typing all this down now, I can see now that in the last two weeks of living here with Flo, I have grown. Perhaps not in the way of health right now, but in other ways. And for that, I am proud of myself even though there is still a way to go in so many aspects of my life. Still, I know that no matter how old I get, or how long I’ve been living away from home, Mum and Dad will always be my steady pillars – never far away and always there to give me a helping hand when I need the extra support.