I’d like to think of today being 02.01 as being symbolic in how F and I will become one unit as we officially begin living together. I have pretty much moved all my things over – at least the things I will be needing, leaving the kitchen spacious once more for Mum and my room clearer than it’s ever been!
Flo lands back in Singapore at approximately 1440hours and I plan to pick him up from the airport. I don’t think he expects it so it’ll be a fun surprise. I feel like a whole ball of various emotions moving into this new phase and I pray that it will be a smooth-sailing transition for me. Of course, to call a transition smooth-sailing for me may be a little of an exaggeration given all the changes that are waiting in the next few weeks and months to pounce at us, but I hope the new environment will also be impetus for me to push forward in recovery. In other words, to get myself ‘unstuck’ in the true sense of the word.
Last night, I read this article on how Ritualistic Eating Behaviours (REBs) can be sabotaging recovery. I think that this is something I fell into in ‘recovery’ many times before. And so, in the real essence of the word ‘recovery’, I have never truly recovered. From wanting to eat the same foods that help me feel safe day in and day out, to eating at the same places that have menus I am familiar and comfortable with when there is a need to eat out. I tend to have a preference to eat certain foods first and in a certain order, and I hate the thought of finishing all my food because I don’t like the idea of having eating what a ‘normal’ person would likely eat. It’s all about control at the end of the day, at least from my point of view as I reflect on the pattern of my eating habits.
Mum has suggested returning back to counselling or even more drastically, to readmit myself back into hospital. Perhaps it is out of stubbornness than I am reluctant to do either but to me, I feel that I know myself a lot better than that. I know the process that being in hospital will put me through and in terms of counselling, I still don’t quite feel that there is anyone in Singapore that is specialised or truly understands eating disorders in its entirety. I know of psychologists and psychiatrists who have expertise in this field but they aren’t cheap. Furthermore, I know that if I have this reluctance in me to make change, then all the professional help I get will make little difference to my current status. And that if I want to turn my life around, I can do it with the support I already have.
Yes, I have a lot to prove but I am determined to pull through and for once, finally recover in the true sense of the word. I cannot continue engaging in REBs that will in turn entrench me into another form of ED and I want to be able to enjoy dessert without second thoughts, share a waffle slathered in chocolate with Florian when he asks, have a scoop of ice-cream to treat myself after a good workout. I want to be able to cultivate good eating habits that I can in turn pass on to my children, to have a well-balanced lifestyle that they can emulate, and to develop an all-rounded sense of well being that they will never have to fall back onto destructive behaviour in order to feel validated.
It will take time and a lot of hard work. And I have no reason not to do it.