Apparently a lot of people have been saying that 2016 has been a ‘shitty’ year. I can’t say that it’s been a bad year for me. In fact, I think I’ve quite enjoyed it on the whole.
As with every other year, I have learned more about myself as a person, and I have also developed new friendships with people that I hope to take into the New Year. And of course, I have met a wonderful man whose beauty shines through both inside and out. I have written a post not long about about my 2016 in a nutshell so I won’t recap on all that again. Instead, I want to look forward, into the new year.
Now, I’m not usually one for resolutions. Sure, I’ve made a few here and there anyway, but more often than not, I forget what they are no more than a week into the year. Sometimes I think I’m the human version of Dory. Maybe not quite so bad, thank God, but near enough.
Anyway, a few friends and relatives may have gathered that I will be moving away from home come 2017. It is a huge step for me but one that I have mulled over for a while already. It’s still rather surreal seeing that a few months ago, it was simply a plan. And now that it’s coming true, it still feels like a dream.
I have lived in this condo belonging to Mum and Dad ever since I was a few months old. We still have the coffee table in our living room with my teething marks on, and if you crawl underneath, you’ll find scribbles of my brother’s and my drawings from when we were still tiny enough to fit below. Sure, we’ve renovated our place once in the 29 years we’ve been here, but it is filled with memories of my childhood, every inch of it.
And even our surrounding area holds the ghosts of my youth – the swimming pool where I learned to swim and still swim in; the compound downstairs where my neighbours and I would gather at 5pm every weekday afternoon to cycle, or play badminton, or catch; the trees the boys would climb to catch chameleons while I watched and writhed in disgust… I still have a couple of neighbours living in my block that I have grown up with, and the familiar faces of the aunties and uncles, cleaners, and security guards never fail to make me feel that this is home.
So why move?
I have discussed this with Mum and Dad, and I can assure you that if I could, I would love to live here until I’m 40, 50, 60 years old. It’s where I am most comfortable, it is a place of routine, a place where I need not worry about a thing. And in a way, I feel that it is exactly this reason that keeps me trapped in this cycle of ED. Under the wings of my parents, I know that I can continue to exist in the way I have been because it’s the easier choice – it’s safe. And being safe is exactly where the ED wants me to be. Not to be safe from destruction. But to be safe to destroy.
Beneath this desire to remain in my comfort zone and live pretty much in the cave of my own mind, I still have hopes for a future. I still want the same things I did before I developed ED. I still want to be with a man who loves me, and that I love; to build a family with him; to be a wife and mother. And it is in that hope that I am choosing to pry myself out of this hole I have made so snug for myself and move on towards change.
I am aware that there is no guarantee that I will beat ED by moving away. The illness isn’t something that stays in one place. It will move with me. But what I do know is a change in environment can help refresh the mind and teach me that I need to grow up, wake up, and take responsibility for myself and my health. Yes, I will have the support of F, who has been immensely supportive and patient, but at the same time, I know that I walk on a tighter rope with him because a man can only take so much, while the love of a parent will never diminish come what may.
It is not that Mum and Dad fully agree with my decision. Being Asian, cohabiting is still frowned upon, but they are supportive simply in the hopes that it will help me move forward and get healthier. I am immensely grateful to them for keeping an open mind and for helping me make trips up and down to our new place without complaint.
The year ahead, while exciting, will definitely be challenging for me as I adapt to a new home, with living with someone other than my parents, with working in a smaller kitchen, with changing my eating habits and breaking out of my comfort zone. And while ‘Flight‘ is my automatic response to anything that scares me, I choose ‘Fight‘ this time and pray for the best. Because for once in my life, I feel that as far away as my physical and mental health is from being optimal, I am so very, very close to the reality of my hopes and desires.
I have been binge-watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix. I have caught snippets of it on TV from time to time but never bothered to sit down and watch a full episode… until a few days ago. And in Season 1 Ep 10 I believe, a psychic client of Grayson tells Jane towards the end of the episode that “The best way to get unstuck is to give yourself a kick in the ass“.
Moving into 2017, I have but one resolution. One that sounds so simple but in the greater scheme of things will amount to a huge one. And that is to get ‘unstuck‘. So from tomorrow onwards, I guess I will be blogging about this new chapter of my life unfolding with F as we set up home together, my challenges as I face food battles – both victories and defeats (hopefully more of the former), and from time to time, our travels!!
I’m eager to see what I’ll be typing here exactly this time next year! For now, may your 2017 be a blessed one, filled with all things beautiful, and surrounded by those who love you. Laugh lots, Love much, Hope heaps. And know that even through our toughest of fights, God will see us through! 🙂