This year, Mum decided to have our annual Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve since it happened to fall on a Saturday this year. Also, F says that in Germany, they usually celebrate Christmas on the Eve so technically, we had our festivities on the right day depending on where you’re from.
It’s always quite stressful for me whenever Christmas dinner comes round and I find myself anxious and constantly thinking about the amount of food being prepared and the number of people who may scrutinise what I eat, or how much I eat. All the more so because a lot of my cousins are now overseas on holiday or to study so instead of having 20-30 people as we did in previous years, we only had about 10 of us last night. This meant that we could all squeeze around the dining table and eat together for the first time.
I felt quite pressured into having to eat the food Mum prepared even though all I wanted to do was to fall back onto my comfort foods, my ‘safe’ foods. Of course, my parents understand and said that if I wanted to, by all means go ahead and not have what they were all having. Which would have been weird. And I didn’t want to draw even more attention to myself through what I was eating. So I had what everyone else was having – the roast vegetables, fresh salad, and I tried a bit of the roast beef and Mum’s homemade turkey courtesy of Jamie Oliver. I did however, pan sear some of my own seafood because I know I wouldn’t have had enough protein otherwise.
I guess at the end of the day, my family couldn’t care less what I ate, or didn’t eat, as long as I was with them, enjoying their company while they enjoyed mine. Sometimes, I tend to think that people are looking at me through a magnifying glass when in reality, the only person doing that is me. And I say I survived this Christmas because I know that I probably didn’t push away that little voice of negativity in my head quite as much as I should have – could have?
Anyway, dinner aside, I really enjoyed catching up with the family and seeing them. It also made me feel a little sentimental in knowing that in a matter of a week, so many things will change. I’ve cleared pretty much all my shelves in my room and it now looks so forlorn. This home has always been ours since I was born and has been a mainstay to me growing up all the way to now. Even when we lived overseas, we always had this place to come back to on holidays. The ghost of me will soon inhibit my room and I will move on to create more new memories somewhere new.
The other day, Mum reminded me that no matter what, this is still my home and I can come back to it any time. I know that. But I also know that change is part of life and for that, I am thankful that God has blessed me with F. Because home will soon be with him. And I’m looking forward to the beginning of that new journey, not only in growing as a person, but also with him.