Every so often, life delivers a little rainbow before my very eyes that makes me think about how very truly awesome our God is.
I have mentioned a few times quite vaguely that I am not doing so well on the health front. It feels surreal this time namely because I still feel as active as before and I guess without medical attention hovering over me after pulling myself out of it years ago, I don’t sense an urgency to do much about my situation. Of course, knowing that I want a future and a family with F is a huge pull factor for me to get to a healthy place not just physically, but also in my relationship with food, but more often than not, I wake up each day falling back on old habits and routines simply because they make me feel secure, in control, safe.
Time waits for no man, and it certainly doesn’t wait for me. Sadly. If I could have any one thing in the world, it would be a ‘Pause’ button so that I can sit life out a bit until I feel emotionally and mentally strong enough to face it head on. Alas, that is no such thing as a ‘Pause’ button. Perhaps many years from now, way into the future. But not now.
Over the last year, rather than face the storms of fighting ED, I’ve allowed it to lull me into a slumber where I do just enough to keep myself going, and just enough to keep its haunting voice of abuse at bay. It feels as though we’ve come to a consensus in the eating-exercise-weight balance but inside, I know that that is not how life is.
So imagine my surprise when Dad said there was mail for me. and I stuck my hand out waiting to receive a white envelope with my bank statement within. Instead, in my hand he placed a piece of card instead – a postcard to be exact. I excitedly turned it over to find out whom it was from. I didn’t know anyone in Taiwan apart from my 3rd aunt and it was unlikely that it was penned by her.
It was from Grace – we actually met online when she used to read my old blog and reached out to me to encourage me during my periods of struggle. Over the years, she has become very much like an older sister to me, someone I know I can depend on and talk to whenever I need a listening ear, especially one who understands the intricacies of an eating disorder. Now, she is a beautiful mother to a precocious little girl. And once again, in my time where fighting ED is not at the top of my mind, by God’s Grace (pun intended), I was thought of a sent a postcard while she was in Taiwan on holiday.
It certainly came out of the blue for me and as I read it, goosebumps began to form on my arms. Grace shared a little on the history of Mackay Hospital in Taipei and how Mackay was the first Western missionary who took up God’s commission to make disciples of this nation. He impacted the community in different ways, playing doctor, teacher, dentist, school-builder, church-planted, farmer, musician and the list goes on, and in doing so, he helped Taiwan to grow into the place it is today.
Grace then said that she hopes that in a similar vein, I too will be able to help shape the communities I am part of whether through baking, pastry crafting, or writing etc. And in doing so, that I will also inspire and encourage others as I ride on God’s glory and strength. Her words reverberated through my head and reminded me that in order to help others and touch the lives of those around me, I cannot wallow in this state of half-being.
If I want to grow as a person, and become the Natalie I know I have the potential to be – Natalie who laughs until her tummy hurts; Natalie who loves generously; Natalie who gives abundantly; Natalie who faces her fears courageously; Natalie who has always yearned for a family of her own… I know that she is still there, waiting to be let out. Waiting to be. And she will be.
Thank you Grace for your timely reminder. It is because of Earth Angels like you that I am also reminded of God’s presence in my life.