Today’s not been the easiest day for me. Without reason at all I have been feeling down down down, and it’s made me miss F even more. I think it’s just a few factors together that have once again made me feel anxious and flustered about all the upcoming events and work that I need to get through. Mentally, I know that I will be able to tick them all off my to-do list, but somehow, it’s always the anticipation and ‘before-the-event’ nerves that make me feel as though I might not be able to accomplish what I need to accomplish by their respective dates.
- Major Throwback!
Tomorrow, one of my oldest, closest friends will be holding her wedding reception and I am one of her bridesmaids. As happy an event as it is, my mind is all sorts of anxiousness. I cannot put a finger on why. Perhaps it’s knowing that my routine is going to be thrown out of whack for the day; perhaps it’s the thought that I could be working away in the kitchen; perhaps it’s fear that I will not be the perfect bridesmaid considering I have little idea of what my role is.
After going through the ‘timetable’, I have a clearer idea now of what I am tasked to do tomorrow. Whatever the case, I know that my thoughts are exceedingly selfish and I know for a fact that I will be there tomorrow, I will get through tomorrow, and I will be so incredibly happy to see my dearest Pea walk down the banquet hall in front of all her friends and family with the man who will be next to her for the rest of their lives.
I’ve also been feeling incredibly antsy about all my upcoming December orders and events. It’s all exciting and I know based on past experiences that again, I will be able to complete all my orders because even if time is tight, I will do whatever it takes to make sure my customers get what they ask for. It’s one of the perks of working from home. I can bake 24/7 if I need to, but I know I won’t need to. And yet, there is still this fear that clouds my mind, telling me that perhaps I might not be able to complete them all this year.
It frustrates me that I know how things will turn out and still, I somehow cannot seem to shake away this voice that tells me I won’t be able to handle it all. Why?!
In order to try and tackle my doubts, I just drew up a calender for December for what I will need to bake on which days in order to fulfill all my orders. It’s calmed my mind down quite a bit being able to see visually the things I need to do in what I hope is a realistic timeframe.
I hate that when anxiety creeps up upon me, I become moody and argumentative. It’s not fair on those around my for sure, especially when they are the ones who love me and support me through every one of my ups and downs. Then with F being away, I nearly picked a fight with him over something stupidly small but somehow managed to avert it by telling him the truth of why I was being so angsty – that I was feeling really down and anxious and frustrated and tired…
- My Happy Pill
F then gave me a call and we talked through my emotions and why I might be feeling them. Hence the above revelations just shared in this post. Just airing out my feelings with F made me feel so much better by the end of our conversation. It also made me miss him more and wish he was here. Or rather, wish I was there. I know that everything will be more than ok at the end of the day.
I’m super blessed to have a man who is able to remain calm with me and be able to comfort me despite being in another country right now. He has a soothing effect on me and manages to always put a smile on my face at the end of my little panic attacks. Thank you baby!