In about two weeks time, one of my best friends will be married. Pearl and I first met when we were placed into the same class at 14. We were a trio – Pearl, Sher and I. Sometimes YC hung with us, but as we sat closest together, it was usually just us three.
Sher was the one I would get up to mischief with; the one who I would skip lessons with and while time away with in the glamour of our school toilet (no, seriously!); the one who I had to stifle my laughter with whenever our form teacher got purple in the face with fury and frustration at our class.
Pearl was the one I would turn to whenever I wanted to gush about a guy, was confused about a guy, needed to cry over a guy; the one I confided in about my struggles with ED; the one who tried hard to encourage and support me while having to put up with my tantrums during my first stage of recovery.
And now, she’s on the cusp of the next stage of her life – with a man who is now her best friend; a man who I can see treats her well; a man who makes her heart smile.
Just last week, I popped by Pearl’s place to pick up my bridesmaid’s dress. And while I was on my way home, my excitement for her upcoming wedding turned into a dark pit of fear that began to consume me as I imagined how I would be feeling if I were to be getting married within a few weeks. No, it wasn’t because I don’t think F is the right one for me. In fact, I think he’s quite perfect. It was more the fact that I have been dwelling in this place of familiarity and comfort that having to leave it makes me feel like a hermit crab being forced out of its shell when it is far from ready, and perhaps it will never be ready.
As I mulled over my thoughts, I realised that if I continue living in this routine that I have allowed my life to revolve around, I could be living with my parents until I’m 40, 50, 60 perhaps simply because it feels safe, secure. And that in itself is ridiculously unhealthy. At this stage, I should be eager to move on with my life and build one up with the man I love, with the eventual desire to start a family when the time is right. Which is why, at that point, I was hit by this revelation that I have to make change for myself no matter how difficult it is.
Now, I love living with my parents and being able to have a child-like freedom with fewer cares and responsibilities than most adults my age. I guess having had ED doesn’t help, and the recent fall back into poor eating habits has only exacerbated the way in which my parents treat me, as most parents naturally would – to be more protective, more concerned, and want to help me get back on track as much as possible. That in itself makes me feel trapped and strengthens that desire for control in my life which for me, has always been to control hunger. And this is exactly the vicious cycle that has been created and is being sustained over time.
After some consideration and discussion with both Mum and F, we’ve decided that perhaps it’s time for me to make my first move. It will be a big step for both F and I, but it is one that I have confidence in no matter how fearful I am of it at the same time.
Sometimes change involves facing uncertainty, and uncertainty is something that definitely doesn’t bode well with me. And yet, I know that it will enable me to grow and move away from an environment that appears to be holding me back. Fears are within most, if not all of us, but they become a problem when they prevent us from living the fullest life that we have the potential to lead. As such, I need to confront my fears or I will be living the same as I am now forevermore. I don’t want that. I refuse to accept that. And I am blessed that my parents have giving me their blessing to move in with F, and that F is happy to invite some havoc into his life in a couple months’ time.
I had the privilege of baking Pearl’s little Celebration Cake that she will be diving into with her family as they celebrate her upcoming wedding. It reminded me that this girl whom I have known for just over half my life now, is now a woman. Just as I am one as well.
Lychee Cake with Passionfruit Curd and Vanilla Bean Buttercream…
Marriages require balance, just as this cake requires its various flavours and textures to balance out in order to work. The sweet Asian Lychee embedded within the light sponge cake soothes the tartness of the smooth Passionfruit Curd – both creating excitement on the palate with their exoticness. Binding the cake on the outside is the Plain Vanilla Bean Buttercream, a flavour that is often comforting, dependable, and mellow. In a similar vein, I hope that Pearl and YJ’s union will be blessed with a bounty of sweet memories, a sprinkle of sour to keep things interesting, and oodles of love and support for one another to keep their journey together smooth sailing!
In two weeks’, Pearl will step into a new chapter of her life.
In two months’, I will step into a new chapter of mine.
And we will be ok. More than ok!