It’s funny how thin the line can be between good and bad, darkness and light, love and hate. Everything lies on a continuum and often, it’s so difficult to pry apart where one starts and the other ends.
But sometimes, when you know that something is not up to scratch at all, the only option you can take is to give up, or to tackle the problem from a whole new angle.
Yesterday, I practiced the Lemon Tart again and was horribly frustrated at not being able to pipe the meringue on using the St. Honore piping tip. Chef said that if we could master it, it would help us score. Obviously though, if it’s not going to look nice, we’re better off piping something less technical, and score based on that.
I went for bulbs as the border, followed by an inner circle of shells, then kisses, then a rosette in the middle. I think I will give the St. Honore piping another go next week but if that still doesn’t reach the standard I’d like, I’ll happily settle for this during the exam if I get it.
Similarly, with my eating, I guess I can try to look at the process of bingeing more as nourishing my body. Having deprived it of so much food in the past, perhaps now is the time to give back with it is owed.
Last night, I ended up bingeing on a paus bought from Chinatown. Then on more bread, granola in milk and some yoghurt, ice cream and nut bars. I know I will have to ask God for more self-control in the act of eating more rather than bingeing, but I did manage to keep it all in, as uncomfortable as it was.
It was difficult getting to sleep with the discomfort of my abnormally distended stomach, coupled with the night sweats from by body trying to metabolise the food I suppose. This morning, I feel like such a miserable wreck and wonder if maybe I should have purged.
I’ve gained a good 4-5 kg in the last 2 months which is quite unsettling, but I also know that it is for my own good as well and that I still need to gain some more for the sake of my health. I hate this tug-of-war that’s going on in my head, and yet, I also know that I cannot let this illness carry on any longer.
10 days to my 24th. Do I want it to take away another year of my life?!
On the bright side though… Gaining doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Gaining means gaining life, gaining back the person God intended for me to be, gaining a closer relationship with God. And it also means, gaining back the ability to wear nice clothes that fit – not hang off – me. =) Right?